The Boy Behind the Mask.

Each person has a mask, in which they whip out in their battle with society. The mask serves many uses: allowing one to hide their true self, to show a false image of themselves, so that one can be accepted and or hide away the problems which they do not others to be concerned with. This mask is built from many things: emotions, lies, expressions, behaviours. But one thing is true for all, and that is that the mask is not who you really are. Why do we use masks anyway? The reason for each person is different. Some claim to not even notice that they are using one.

I depend heavily on my mask, to hide away all the pain which I do not want to be shown, but slowly its devouring me on the inside. At the end of the day, when I'm alone in my bed staring out the window, I take my mask off and weep. It is not an enjoyable experience to be so sad that your bones hurt, yet its an oddly satisfying outlet, a calming release. The humorous social Andy Di, whom you and I have come to familiar terms with these years, is merely a creation of my mind. I'm not a happy person. I'm not a social person. I don't even know what I have become these recent years. Spending my time in melancholic reflection, Andy Di is just a mere memory to me now. I have become something which is nothing, an empty soul wondering between the road of life and death. The only thing which reminds me that I'm human is the emotion that rattles my heart upon impact.

The more you have to hide, the bigger a mask you have to make and hence the harder it is to keep up. Its becoming increasingly difficult to shrug off the pain, to laugh it off, to smile at the face of death. The depression is making me also less motivated to even hide it anymore. What's a laugh without happiness, what is an embrace without warmth? Just hidden coldness. I feel the same with my mask on and off, so what's the point of having it on? So I can feel secure in society. But its not easy to maintain a mask all the time, and I'm beginning to notice that I am subconsciously withdrawing myself. I long for the company so much, yet company stresses me out so much I feel repelled by it. What is happening to me? Will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever find my true self?