Summer Nights

summer nights are the best. When its all relaxed, the cool change coming in, a beautiful sunset, cicadas chirping. I sit alone on the swings, cigarette in one hand, iPod blaring ballad tunes, wearing nothing but shorts and a singlet, staring into the red sky. Just thinking. How I like to spend my time nowadays. The depression is taking its toll on me. I've become so exhausted and withdrawn now. Yet its these times of calm which seems to take me away. Take me away from all the stress and pain. I do miss people though. Its not enjoyable to be lonely all the time. Soon, I will have to depart from the friends i have made these few years. what will I have left? I don't know. But I do miss having love around.

I don't know what to think anymore

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

“The events of childhood do not pass, but repeat themselves like seasons of the year”

When asked what is the top priority in one's life, there will be many different responses, which tend to reflect deeply on one's character. Those who find enjoyment in material possessions will answer wealth, those who are enslaved will answer freedom, those who treasure their artistic nature will answer imagination. These and many more are very much valid responses, however I predict that the most common answer to this question would be family. To most, family is the most important aspect in their life. Your family are the ones who brought you into the world, guide and protect you throughout your life, support you no matter what situation you are in. When you reach an age where you can afford to give up time, blood, sweat and tears, you raise a family of your own and many consider this to be the best experience of a lifetime. Most people.

To me, family is just pain. Seeing happy families together is a beautiful yet painful experience, as although the smiles on their faces are joyous, I'm extremely envious of their happiness. Whilst other families are eating dinner together chatting about their days, my father and I are shouting abuse at each other, throwing the nearest objects with malice. Whilst others boast about their children, my mother cries when she thinks about what I am now. To have unloving parents being ashamed of their own son...

The Boy Behind the Mask.

Each person has a mask, in which they whip out in their battle with society. The mask serves many uses: allowing one to hide their true self, to show a false image of themselves, so that one can be accepted and or hide away the problems which they do not others to be concerned with. This mask is built from many things: emotions, lies, expressions, behaviours. But one thing is true for all, and that is that the mask is not who you really are. Why do we use masks anyway? The reason for each person is different. Some claim to not even notice that they are using one.

I depend heavily on my mask, to hide away all the pain which I do not want to be shown, but slowly its devouring me on the inside. At the end of the day, when I'm alone in my bed staring out the window, I take my mask off and weep. It is not an enjoyable experience to be so sad that your bones hurt, yet its an oddly satisfying outlet, a calming release. The humorous social Andy Di, whom you and I have come to familiar terms with these years, is merely a creation of my mind. I'm not a happy person. I'm not a social person. I don't even know what I have become these recent years. Spending my time in melancholic reflection, Andy Di is just a mere memory to me now. I have become something which is nothing, an empty soul wondering between the road of life and death. The only thing which reminds me that I'm human is the emotion that rattles my heart upon impact.

The more you have to hide, the bigger a mask you have to make and hence the harder it is to keep up. Its becoming increasingly difficult to shrug off the pain, to laugh it off, to smile at the face of death. The depression is making me also less motivated to even hide it anymore. What's a laugh without happiness, what is an embrace without warmth? Just hidden coldness. I feel the same with my mask on and off, so what's the point of having it on? So I can feel secure in society. But its not easy to maintain a mask all the time, and I'm beginning to notice that I am subconsciously withdrawing myself. I long for the company so much, yet company stresses me out so much I feel repelled by it. What is happening to me? Will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever find my true self?

The Beginning of a New Phase

Toxicated by anti-depressants, lungs filled by the occasional nicotine injection, I live each day in life as more of a battle than a enjoyable experience. It has been a long time since I've been able to look back on a day and think "wow this could not have been any better". A feeling that you are on top of the world, a feeling which is alien to me. A mere fairytale. My mind is a tangled mess, and its becoming increasingly hard about what to think about. What distressing factor of life to focus on. It has become a puddle of chaos, which in turn reflects the exact life I am trying to survive in now. I feel numb and void, yet the emotions still torture me unbearably. No will to live, but no will to die. It's all a contradiction and its slowly devouring me.

As I observe others from afar, there is a clear difference between themselves and I. The distress of others tend to revolve around obtaining the best marks, obstacles in achieving their goals, yet those are the things which I wish i could care about instead. A pitiful body who has given up on being the best he could, you may call me either logical or pathetic. But right now, I have no desire to improve who I am, for no matter how hard I try, I never seem to able achieve a seal of approval from either myself or others. Demotivation is deteriorating, and I don't even have the motivation to claw my way out from this impending doom.

My self-perception is depressing itself, as I am the one person who I despise more than any other. The more I judge myself, the more hate I reserve for myself. I hate my lack of independency. I hate how I dislike company at the same time. I hate how I cannot help myself, let alone others. I alone possess the most qualities which I despise in a human being.

A never-ending cycle of self-harm.

I'm failing school, and most likely changing schools. Yet as much as this saddens me, despite the regular reminders from the school and my parents, I have made a dismal attempt in order to rectify this problem. With the loss of my right at this school, I will also have lost contact with most of the friends which I have depended on so much, the people I have always put on the top of my priority list. Yet even the thought of such a major loss is failing to slap me in the face and kickstart a recovery. Have I lost even the passion for my friends? What have I become? These questions scare me more so than the thought of dying, a thought which has become increasingly regular in my troubled mind.

I have no purpose, no desire, no goal and am just wasting away the few precious days I have left to live. I spend my day, perched in front of the computer, wasting my life on some silly game, or some conversation which I'm barely paying attention to. Otherwise, I'm wagging school, sitting in some deserted scenery, smoking and listening to music alone, just reflecting on the life I am living. Or maybe, I'm in my room slumped in the corner, staring out the window as I etch red lines into my flesh. I pity myself, yet I truthfully deserve no pity at all, as any normal being would not be in this situation.

Even god would not save me now. I guess it's just a matter of time.
They say life is like a game of chess, and I have lost most of my pieces, but I must still continue the game until I have no moves remaining.

Memento Mori 10.31.2009 Happy Halloween

The Rebirth

AFTER MANY MONTHS, I'm reviving my routine of blogging as I feel the increasing desire to express my thoughts and experiences in words. It is exciting and yet an unusual decision, as I know I lack preserving qualities and also since exams are coming up soon. However, blogging is one of the few interesting activities which frees me from boredom nowadays, and I hope to abuse it to relieve the ever-increasing stress of day-to-day life.